Autism Does Not Mean Giving In

Through my networks of friends that also have a child with Autism, I have heard many times that others think we just give in to our child's behavior.  We don't push them enough or we let them get away with certain things.  I can guarantee the majority of parents in my main network are not this way.  Of course we choose our battles just like any other parent, and you may not agree with which battles we choose not to fight, but we probably don't agree with the battles you are choosing either.  For example, Brycen has recently decided he will not eat at the table (or very rarely will) for meals.  After stressing about it for a few days, we decided it was more important for him to eat than it was to worry about where he was eating.  He's 40lbs soaking wet...and 5 1/2 years old...he NEEDS to eat all he can!  Therefore, we choose not to battle over this with him, so most meals at home are eaten on the floor of his choice.  Sometimes he chooses the dining room floor, other times the living room, sometimes the floor in his room, sometimes the bedroom downstairs.  And you know what???  He then eats and we don't hear anymore out of him the rest of the meal. 

So, today Brycen was having some real issues at school.  Of course we try to determine what is different in life that could be causing this.  Is it because Daddy was gone all weekend with Papa in the hospital...or is it the sniffles and stuffy nose Brycen is experiencing...or yet the fact he has woken up the last couple nights for a couple hours (though this is usual)...or could it be the change in schedule at school for Valentine's parties?  Wouldn't it be nice if he could just TELL us why he was so upset and why he was refusing to do his work at school?

He is smart.  We all know that he is keeping up with most of what other kindergartners are doing right now within his communication limitations.  So the fact that he had a worksheet to do to fill in the missing numbers up to 100 is something he is more than capable of doing.  He was given tools to do it (chart, his "talker", teacher nearby) but he just didn't want to do it and had attitude about it just like a typical 5 yr old testing his boundaries.  When I witnessed this attitude at school last week, I came home with intentions of forcing him to do more learning activities at home.  Before this, we focused mostly on communication, socializing activities, or just giving him some downtime.  Now, we are going to make him "journal" every day in a notebook, and tonight his "homework" was going to be finishing the worksheet that he was refusing to do at school as agreed upon with his teacher.  Well, when Brycen came home, a note was in his backpack saying he finally completed it before the end of the day...but I was NOT happy with him, so he was still going to have "homework" to do before he began doing fun stuff/downtime.

This is where I think many parents think we just give in to our children...or maybe just parents in general give in to their children when they don't want to do something.  Well, I'm NOT one of those parents.  I want him to succeed in school.  Learning/education is #1 in our book as it should be for all children before extracurricular activities come into the picture.  If your child cannot succeed in the educational environment, then I personally don't believe they should get the privilege to attempt success elsewhere. 

So, after dinner, Brycen brought his Cars lego set to me to do.  No way, Brycen!  You need to "journal" first and do more numbers before you get to play.  He was NOT happy!  He cried, he threw the pencil and paper, and hit me.  "First work, then car" had no affect on him at this time.  Yes I knew he had a bad day, yes I know he has a cold, yes I know his routine is off with Daddy leaving again to go see Papa and Grandma, but there are just some things in life that you don't have a choice about and learning is it in this house.  This was at 5pm.  After 10 minutes of not calming down, I sent him to his bed.  He laid up there, threw his blankets around, kicked the floor, screamed...so what?  I checked to make sure he was safe, told him that I was not happy with him, and once again said "First work, then car."  A few minutes later, he came downstairs a little calmer and once again wanted me to give him the Cars legos.  He agreed to sit down and journaled "car...bold" (car...build) with my help to sound out the letters and his device.

But he refused to write his numbers...and all I was asking was 1-10 so it would take him only a minute.  He wasn't having it and started throwing again, pushing, screaming...and I sent him to his bed again.  He came back down about 15 minutes later and seemed to forget about it and began pacing around the house.  I asked him to pick up a couple things for me and then asked him if he was ready to do his "work."  He yelled and threw again and then proceeded to lay in our bed kicking and occasionally screaming.  He was safe and that's all that mattered.

6:45pm...almost 2 hours after the entire ordeal started...and he walked over to the table.  He threw the pencil once, then when I handed it to him, he proceeded to continue with his numbers.  He even went past 10 and all the way to 20. 

So he earned his lego set back...and he proudly put it together with only a little help (and his sister's watchful eye)!

I did NOT give in!  He is smart enough to know I am serious...and just because he has Autism doesn't mean he gets away with stuff.  I want him to understand that life is not getting everything we want and people giving in to us...we must work at what we want...and he is more than capable of understanding this just like you and me!