All special need's parents can relate to those moments when you feel like you are slapped in the face with reality. They don't seem to happen as often anymore for me, but I felt it yesterday. I was sitting in the waiting room of the therapy clinic while Brycen was in his one hour speech appointment. Nothing specific brought it on, but I immediately thought "How did this happen? Why did it happen to us?"
The "why" question rarely pops up anymore because I know there is no use in trying to dissect the entire happenings of our life, my pregnancy, the first two years of Brycen's life, etc. It's just not worth it when the present takes so much energy and emotions to deal with by itself. Most of my "slaps" tend to be "how" now. And it's not always negative but may be "how can I make this easier for him?" and just how to handle the day-to-day stressors for both him, us, and his sister.
So, here I was sitting in the empty waiting room and these two questions go through my head. I'm not quite sure why it happened then because he's been making slow but fabulous progress in so many areas and I am so proud of him. Of course my eyes fill with tears and I just hope that the receptionist doesn't notice or that none of the other therapists walk through the room until the tears dry up. Because I hate when someone outside of my immediate family sees my vulnerability about this. I don't want people to think of me as anything but strong for him. I WANT to be strong for him...but sometimes reality just slaps me in the face and it gets the best of me.
We have no clue what the future holds. No doctor or therapist can tell us what the next year, 5 years, or 20 years will look like for him. So, I just cling to the present. Try not to dwell on the past and the "why" and "how", and though the future will haunt me frequently, I also try not to dwell on that. The present is already taking over so much of our life that I just don't know what more I can fit in right now.
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