This is how I feel right now with Brycen. I have been blessed with two beautiful and healthy children and a hard-working & honest husband. While so much in our lives is moving forward and going the way we were hoping for, part of our life continues to just stand still.
Two years ago when Brycen was diagnosed, I wanted for the pain to go away. The pain that I couldn't make the Autism go away...the pain that I felt every single day when I heard another child his age talking...the pain of not knowing what his future would bring.
A year ago, I wanted for Brycen to be able to communicate. For the screaming and hitting to go away...for him to feel like he had control in his world...for me to feel like I had a connection with him through communication.
Now that the daily pain has gone away and we have found a means of communication for Brycen through his device, I can't help but want more. Brycen (and we) have worked HARD these past couple years. We are doing what we can within our means for Brycen that is being recommended to us and what we believe in. Why does it seem like it's not enough?! Others have seen such improvement with the exact same things we are doing...others that are younger than him are improving faster...even his own sister two years younger than him has flown past him in almost all areas of development. Will it ever be enough for me? Am I setting my standards too high for him? Am I just not accepting what God has given us?
I have so many wishes for Brycen and for us. I wish for him to be able to communicate better and decrease his frustration. I wish to hear "I love you, Mommy." I wish for him to have a friend to play with. I wish for him to be able to participate in extracurricular activities like other kids instead of heading off to therapy three days per week. I wish for him and his sister to be able to play in the same room without him being aggressive towards her. I wish I didn't have to repeat myself so much to him. I wish I didn't have to plead with God every day to give me the patience that Brycen deserves. I wish I didn't have to count up service hours, sign papers, make phone calls, etc most days of the week. I wish...I wish...I wish...could go on forever.
Just because I wish for more for Brycen, does not mean I don't accept him for who he is and love him any less. I just wish some days could be easier...and that some days would seem like Autism is not running our lives.
I just want MORE for Brycen. I won't stop until I can give him more...and though it may never seem like enough, that will be what pushes me to give him even more than what we thought would be enough.
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