I don't know why I tend to set myself up for extreme emotions...but for some reason I decided to pull out my "What to Expect- Toddler" book last night and look up the "normal" 36 month old. I'm sure you all know how that turned out. I really wish there was a "What to Expect" about autism, but unfortunately each child on the spectrum is so different that just isn't possible.
Rarely do I ever fall asleep when I really want to at night. Usually I lay awake for an hour or longer, thinking back to the days trials with Brycen (in addition to a 1 yr old) and trying to determine what the next day may include. Last night, I was experiencing many emotions following a couple very turbulent days with Brycen and a few other things going on in my life. I frequently plead with God at night to make it a little easier...then I wonder if there really is a God because if there is, he must know that I don't think I am strong enough to handle this for the rest of my life (please don't preach to me about there being a God in the comments!). My mind kept wandering to Brycen's future and how no one can tell me what it will be like, unlike how a parent of a "typical" child can just pick up their "What to Expect" book and read what they should expect over the next several months. Just like all parents, I want the best for my son...but now the best that he may have may not be the best that my daughter will have. I'm trying to be honest with myself that their futures are going to be very, very different.
Will Brycen ever be able to attend school in the "normal" classroom? Will his language ever develop to the point where I can have a conversation with him? Will he have the desire or ability to date? Will he be able to go to college? Will he be able to live on his own or will he need us or a paid worker to help him? Will he get married and have children if he so chooses? Will his family and friends always accept him for who he is? Will he ever comprehend potty training?
These are all things that I never thought of when I was pregnant with him or in the first two years, but now these are the questions that fill my mind when I think of his future.
Now I'm sure most of you reading this are tearing up a little...I am too! I cry just about every day now about him and wondering if I am being the best parent I can be. All I do know right now, is we love our son and would do anything for him and will never leave him to fight this on his own!
It must be difficult as a parent to face the unknown for both Brycen and your family. Many of the questions you wonder about are questions people with "normal" children wonder about too. I guess what I am trying to say is, although there may be many differences in your day to day life- Brycen is still a child. While the differences may be more profound, such to remind you on a constant basis of the battle you continue to fight, maybe Brycen is 'the same' as other kids in ways that go unnoticed from the 'trenches'. Maybe he will grow up and be an artist who creates beautiful works of art. I do not even begin to know what you are going through, but I know that 'someone' thought you were smart enough, resourceful enough, strong enough ect. to be Brycen's mom.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about what the books say a "typical" child is supposed to be doing. No child is "typical" everyone is a special gift. Brycen will succeed in life and do what he is meant to do. Aubree will love her brother and do what she is meant to do. Every parent worries about their children and wonders what their future will be with or without a disability. As a parent all we want for out children is the best that they can have. You are giving Brycen the best. Brycen will succeed to the ability that Brycen can and everyone will love him and accept him for who he is. If people do not accept him for who he is then those are not your true friends. I understand your struggles with if there really is a God as I have had the same struggles in life when he took my Dad so early before he was able to met Ethan and Morgan. I have come to realize that for some reason he was meant to go live in heaven. You might not know the answer as to why you were chosen to be Brycen's mom but he knew you were strong enough. We will be here to help support you in any way we can if it is a phone call when things are tough or a hug when we see you just know that we are there for you. Most of all no child is "typical" but each child is special.
ReplyDeleteIt must be extremely frustrating to be the parent of a child with special needs, and I can't even begin to claim that I know anything about it. I am sure it can be difficult to see the good amongst all the struggles. Even though Brycen's 'normal' MAY never be the 'normal' that the rest of us experience it doesn't make his life any less 'perfect'. If you do your best to make sure Brycen, or any child, grows up happy, healthy, and that their basic needs are met, than you have done your job and all the rest of that stuff in life is just icing the cake. It's the little stuff that makes life worth it. God only gives special kids to special parents and you are way over qualified.
ReplyDeleteI love you Melissa! Mom
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